How to do You Laundry in German

My friends, doing the laundry has never been so harrowing.

Imagine, if you will, that you live in a fairly tiny apartment, which is possessed of a giant main room, a fairly tiny kitchen, and a decent bathroom. Now imagine that you are gifted with a thirty-year-old Siemens washer, which the friend of a cousin did not quite have the heart to get rid of. Now imagine this good-sized washer in your decently-sized bathroom, and you see the problem.

Yes. My washer is almost the same size as my bathroom.

Here are the steps to doing the laundry with this machine.

1. Disactivate the wheel lock and push the washing machine into the center of the bathroom (during off times, it can act as a clothes horse and general catch-all).
2. Take the two pipes and the electric cord and bring them to the sink. Unscrew one of the bolts on the sink and put the first pipe onto it. Please make sure that you put it on securely. Next, screw the second pipe onto the valve beneath the incongruous-looking water handle. Pray that it actually takes to the valve and won't slip off when you turn the water on.
3. Turn the water on. If you've put the pipes on right, neither will burst off and spray the bathroom with a deluge of cold water. If you're not lucky, it will take a lot of screaming before you can turn the water off and get hold of the flailing pipes. Also, you will be soaked.
4. Plug in the electric cord. Try not to electrocute yourself.
Congratulations! You are now ready to actually put the laundry into the machine!
5. Load the washer. Shut the little metal doors that close the barrel and pray that they open again (if not, a spatula may be used to pop them open).
6. Put the soap in the indicated spots and close the main lid. Turn on the machine.
7. You have about nine different types of washing to choose from, all with different lengths of time. If you are doing your whites and simply have to wash them hot, your laundry will be ready in three hours. If you choose to wash them cold, you have a further three options: 90 minutes, 85 minutes, and 66 minutes. Select your cycle and pray your laundry turns out well.
8. Press "Start". Walk away contemplating that when your laundry is done, you have to dismantle the whole apparatus and put it back how it was before.