How To Get Your Hair Cut in German

Let me tell you about the Wizard of Charlottenburg.

First of all, he's not a wizard, but a hairstylist. A really, really good hairstylist. He owns a tiny salon in the Charlottenburg district of Berlin, called Vor Hair-Nach Hair, and was probably trained at the Hair Stylists' School of Ballet, because he just swoops and swirls and flicks and snaps: it is absolutely hilarious to watch him at work. Also, he's really sweet and really knows his stuff: I've never felt so safe in the hands of a stylist.

This is how you get your hair cut in Germany:

1. Make an appointment. If you're like me, you're not comfortable calling people auf Deutsch just yet, so you go in person. Stylist will ask what you want, will ruffle your hair and tut to himself, and ask you when you want to come. Then he'll ask what time. No "I have a spot on Wednesday at 3". Name your day and hour, and if that works, he'll pencil you in. If not, keep naming times until he nods. Eventually you'll get it sorted.

2. Be on time. Hang up your coat and sit where he tells you. He will toss a sheet over you and swirl about, eyeing your hair, occasionally tousling it, and tutting to himself. At last he will inform you that you clearly haven't had a haircut in ages and what is wrong with you, woman? Then he will twirl off to get the hair coloring stuff needed to begin the transformation.

3. Your stylist will then proceed to swish and flick and dab your hair with two separate white creams that smell disconcertingly like the Fruity Pebbles cereal your mom never approved of when you were a child. Brushes and aluminum foil sheets will fly through the air as your stylist bops along to the indie electronic music coming from his stereo.

4. You will then be handed a stack of magazines and ensconced under a portable hair heater (I have no other words to describe it). There's no sound involved like in the States, just waves of dry heat.

5. Your stylist will occasionally come and jab at your foil-wrapped head to see how things are progressing. He may mutter "Scheisse!" a few times, but tell you things are okay. Trust him. He is a Wizard.

6. When your hair is deemed ready, you will be given a very hearty shampoo that will make you want to screech, "Be gentle with me!" Delicate the Wizard is not. He will put some sweet-smelling product in your hair and react with horror when you tell him you don't normally use any. "This is YOUR HAIR; you must wear it with pride and dignity!"

7. You will then receive your haircut, during which hair will fly as he parodies Edward Scissorhands and lectures you on the necessity of both regular haircuts and regular haircuts from good stylists, geeze! Just let him do his thing; he's a professional and is going to make you "look damn good".

8. Haircut completed, he will then put brush and dryer into your hands and watch you try to style your own hair. Then he will take them away and show you how you're doing it wrong, and how to do it correctly. Then he'll make you try it again. And again. At last, he will be satisfied that you look good and know how to take care of yourself, and will let you leave. Three hours after you arrived, you will go out into the world looking like a princess.

I have never gone to get my hair done and come out with a book plot and its main character before, you guys.