I'm currently doing re-writes of the last third of my Fidelio novel. I'm currently playing around with a very tricky scene at the climax of the story: the rescue. Here's a small segment.
Version 1:
Pizarro leaped at them again, knife raised, and dropping the shovel, Leonora whipped her pistol out at last. She leveled it at Pizarro, stopping him cold.
“Make one more sound,” she said evenly, “and you are dead!”
The monster froze; the knife in his hand looked suddenly small and inefficient. Leonora watched him, her finger ready on the trigger. She almost hoped that Pizarro would try to attack them again. It was all she could do not to pull the trigger, not to kill this man for what he had done to the person she loved best. Behind her, Florestan gave a sob of relief. And then, above them, faintly, came the raucous call of a trumpet. Its distant notes echoed down the stairwell to ring faintly in Florestan’s dungeon, and to Leonora it felt like the call of an avenging angel.
“Hell and death!” Pizarro swore. “The minister!”
“Drop your knife! Now! Drop it!” Leonora’s finger was on the trigger, ready to shoot. Disgust filled her, hatred. Pizarro, with one last hateful look at her, threw the knife down at her feet. Leonora kicked it, sending it skittering across the dungeon to land in the open grave. Florestan sagged in relief, covering his face with shaking hands. Leonora held her hand out behind her. A moment passed, a long tense second as though the world was holding its breath, and then Florestan’s sticklike fingers crept into hers and clung. Leonora squeezed his hand, her heart bursting. She could feel her husband shaking with relief. As the trumpet call faded, Jacquino’s voice could be heard in the stairwell, shouting for Rocco.
Version 2:
Pizarro leaped at them again, knife raised, and dropping the shovel, Leonora whipped her pistol out at last. She leveled it at Pizarro, stopping him cold.
“Make one more sound,” she said evenly, “and you are dead!”
The monster froze; the knife in his hand looked suddenly small and inefficient. Leonora watched him, her finger ready on the trigger. She almost hoped that Pizarro would try to attack them again. It was all she could do not to pull the trigger, not to kill this man for what he had done to the person she loved best. Behind her, Florestan gave a sob of relief. And then, above them, faintly, came the raucous call of a trumpet. Its distant notes echoed down the stairwell to ring faintly in Florestan’s dungeon, and to Leonora it felt like the call of an avenging angel.
“Hell and death!” Pizarro swore. “The minister!”
Pizarro threw the knife down at Leonora’s feet. The hatred in his eyes made her stomach turn, and suddenly it was all that she could do not to kill him. Oh, how she wanted to pull the trigger and see this man fall! Her finger was on the trigger, ready to shoot. She could kill him now and end his reign of terror, avenging her husband and the men upstairs. It would be easy, so very easy. A long, tense second passed, as though the world was holding its breath, and then there was a rustle, a small movement from behind her, and Florestan’s fingers clutched hold of her jacket. His touch steadied her. Leonora stepped back from the black abyss. She kicked Pizarro’s knife and sent it clattering across the floor to land in the open grave.
*
I'm leaning towards Version 2, myself. It seems to flow better. Any thoughts?
3 comments:
Um, with respect, v.2 is too explainy and self-indulgent. The irony of writing is that the more feelings you insert in the writing, the less room there is for the reader to bring their own feelings. You especially don't want to have this whole two minutes of reflection between the knife dropping and her kicking it away. Slowwwwws everythingggg dowwwn.
I preferred version 2! But I'm a Bradbury fan, and he illustrates everything in his writing. Some people I've talked to call his writing tedious.
Version 1 had a little too much 'stick 'em up! Drop your weapons!' to it. I really like the second better... I thought it flowed better.
Like second version better as well.
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