Rumpelstiltskin Re-imagined

My boss asked me to write a play about Rumpelstiltskin for our annual English Summer Camp. Personally, I can't stand the story, so I reinvented it a little to make it less awful. It made me giggle, so I'm posting it here.

The Adventures of Lala and her friend, Rumpelstiltskin

Narrator: “Once upon a time, there was a very foolish farmer and his very clever daughter, Lala. The farmer liked to tell stories about his daughter’s cleverness, like the time she invented chocolate muffins, and the time she slayed the dragon.”
Lala: “Only I didn’t slay the dragon. I convinced him to become a vegetarian and move to Mallorca.”
Narrator: “Anyway, the foolish farmer bragged about his clever daughter so much that the King heard about it. When he asked the farmer what his daughter could do, the farmer said something very stupid.”
Farmer: “I said that Lala was so smart, she could spin straw into gold. Well, I didn’t think he’d really believe it!”
Narrator: “So the King made Lala come to his palace.”
King: “You must spin all the straw into gold or I will kill you!”
Lala: “That’s unfortunate.”
Narrator: “Lala was very sad. She couldn’t think of what to do.”
Lala: “My hair isn’t long enough to climb out the window, like Rapunzel did. Oh, what will I do?
Narrator: “Luckily, at that moment, a strange man heard Lala talking to herself and came to see what the problem was.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “What’s shaking, baby?”
Lala: *screams*
Rumpelstiltskin: “Sorry, sorry. Why are you so sad? And what are you doing with all this straw?”
Lala: “The King wants me to spin it into gold. He’ll kill me if I don’t.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “What’s unfortunate.”
Lala: “I know. And I was just going to go on vacation!”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Let me help. I can spin straw into gold. I’m magic, you know.”
Lala: “…Okay.”
Narrator: “So the magic man spun all the straw into gold. While he did, Lala talked about his Life Plans. The magic man wanted to open a hotel in Italy and have ten kids. Lala thought this sounded like a good idea.”
Lala: “Hotels are good business.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “There! All the straw is gold.”
Lala: “Oh, thank you! What can I give you as thanks?”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Is your necklace valuable?”
Lala: “No, not really.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Well, it can still help buy my hotel.”
Lala: “Then here you go.”
Narrator: “When he saw all the gold, the King was so happy that he did a little dance.”
King: “YAY!”
Narrator: “Then he locked Lala up in another room and told her to spin MORE straw into gold, or he’d kill her.”
Lala: “Men.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Hey, Lala, what’s shaking?”
Lala: “The King wants more gold or he’ll kill me.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Well, let’s get to work.”
Narrator: “So the magic man spent all night spinning the straw into gold, and Lala sat up talking to him. They decided that the hotel needed to have a swimming pool and a five-star restaurant.”
Lala: “And free Wifi!”
Narrator: “In the morning, instead of leaving, the magic man hid behind a curtain. When the King came to see Lala, he was very happy.”
King: “YAY! Lala, will you marry me and be my Queen? Then we will always have gold.”
Lala: “Er, no. You threatened to kill me. Twice.”
King: “But I’m the King! I can do what I want!”
Lala: “No, you can’t. This is my friend.”
Narrator: “And Lala brought the Magic Man out from behind the curtain.”
Lala: “If you can guess his name, then I’ll marry you. If you can’t, I’m going to go with him to make a hotel in Italy.”
Rumpelstiltskin: “You’ve got three chances!”
King: “Is you name Tom? Or Luca? Or Jonas?”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Nope! Try again!”
King: “Is your name Juliet, or Margaret, or Sophie?
Rumpelstiltskin: “Lol, no!”
King: “Is you name, well, is it…is it…Hans?”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Nope! Get your coat, Lala, we’re going to Italy!”
King: “WHAT!”
Lala: “Finally.”
King: “WAIT! I know your name: it’s Rumpelstiltskin! You’re the magician from Basel!”
Rumpelstiltskin: “Yep, but you’re still too late. Ready, Lala?”
Narrator: “Lala was done putting on her lipstick and was stuffing her pockets with gold thread.”
Lala: “Yes! Let’s go. Bye, King!”
King: “WHAT!”
Narrator: “So Lala and Rumpelstiltskin went off to Italy and started a hotel. It had three swimming pools, a five-star restaurant, and free Wifi. They got married and had ten children, and they lived happily ever after. The End!”